July 15th through 18th, 2002, Last 2 Breeders Shows
July 15th, 2002 - Driving Through Wyoming
I have been derived
A couple of days ago, while I was driving overnight, I scrawled "My home is a velocity vector" on my receipt for my Red Bull. I used to have this happen to me, where after I'd been on tour for a while, my mental image of "home," the picture that comes up the instant I think of that word, would start moving backwards in time; for example, after 2 weeks of touring, "home" means my normal house. After 4 weeks of touring, "home" looked like the house I'd lived in previous to the current one. One time we'd been on tour for so long that "home" meant my bedroom in my parents' house. It's the weirdest thing that happens to me on tour.
Now, I don't feel like my home is a point anymore, it's a vector in space, a moving from one point to another. My home today is a horizontal vector moving east at 80mph on I-80. (I ought to win some sort of medal for that synchronicity, no?) My home is a vector, I have been derived.
Little by little I'm letting my mind think about what it will be like to be Home. At this point, I feel like I could stay out here forever. You can let your mind be as free as you can get it when you're home, but there still is no replacement for this constant moving through space.
Matt is obsessed
(rick, left, and matt, right)
We're a little bit worried about Matt now. He's been talking for a while about performing an experiment to get rid of his chest hair, and the methods he talks about using are getting more and more extreme. We're hoping it's a joke, but even to joke about that sort of thing is slightly neurotic. He is starting to fit in quite well with the rest of us. So today he's talking about Nads, this hair removal system we've seen on the TV set for the past couple of days. He wants to Nads his chest hair. I cannot understand why he'd want to take off his chest hair; from what I can tell (and he won't show it to me when I ask) he's got nice, straight, golden hairs on his chest. He doesn't look bad at all, just looks manly. I always thought men wanted hair on their chests, until I saw that Nads commercial anyway.
"Nads, Nads, Nads!" Rick finally puts his foot down, "I FORBID you to use NADS" to Matt and Jim quips up instantaneously, "I IMPLORE you to use NADS." This just makes Matt laugh. Matt's got a great sense of humor, much better than the rest of ours.
So when we stop in the middle of Nowhere, Wyoming, where we have stopped before, and eat at the same Golden Corral restaurant, and Matt sees a Wal-Mart, he screams with delight; he can probably find Nads there. Actually, we all scream with delight - it's the first artificial light we've seen for about 10 hours - and we go tearing towards the Wal-Mart, Jim buys a small Coleman cooler, I buy 3 of those hi-tech candy bars for US$.96 each, a silver-polishing cloth and a stack of 25 recordable CD-Rs, and Matt buys Nair.
Earlier today we stopped for lunch, and were waltzing through Boise, ID, singing show-tunes, I'm not kidding. We sang selections from Hair, The Sound of Music, Annie, and others. Then we realized we did not look indie rock, and stopped the singing and put on serious faces. We went to eat at the Beanery, where we'd eaten before also. All of the nation's governors are in Boise, discussing something, and policemen are everywhere, staring at us as we walk, waiting for us to ram planes into buildings. They won't let us get to our van; make us walk clear around a building. This makes Rick angry.
Tonight we are in a Motel 6 room in Laramie, WY, and it smells like Nair. (Wal-Mart didn't have Nads.) Matt has put a tiny bit on his shoulder and it took the hair right off. He seems quite pleased with himself. I, of course, ended up slathering the Nair on my kneecap and the tops of some of my fingers to see what would happen, and now my kneecap is burning and 3 of my fingers are bare, and they look really, really strange to me. I keep staring at my 3 barren, hairless fingers, and then the others that have hair, and I am really disturbed by both. The bald fingers look terrible to me because I can see these disgusting blue veins and wrinkles, and the hairy fingers look like I'm an ape! I never realized I had so much hair!
Which is correct?
Maybe I'm obsessed now too.
July 16th, 2002 - Denver, CO
I can't party
It is after the show and I am sitting in the Breeders' abandoned hotel room - they get a room each morning to shower in, and then they abandon it, and can you fucking believe it they give us the key and we get to sleep in it at night?!!! They are so nice!
I can't sleep!
And now, I can't sleep, because I'm sitting here thinking about what Matt said. He said that Jose, the drummer from the Breeders, said that Matt was the only Poster Kid who liked their band. It is because Matt is not afraid to go hang out with them. I'm terrified to hang out with them; I don't want to get in their way, and Rick is terrifieder, and Jim, who knows.
I'm a fucking Geek!
But we all love them, we love their music, we love getting to see them play each night. Matt says maybe it's because we don't go party with them but shit, I can't party. I can't party. I'm a fucking geek! I nearly started salivating when Imperial Teen said they needed help getting their mac online; that to me is my idea of a party. I'm a fucking geek!
Now I can't stop thinking about how they think we don't like them. How can I tell them how much I love them? Rick just woke up and came by here and I asked him to tell me it's ok that Jose said he thinks we don't like them, comfort me, Rick, tell me Jose was probably just kidding around, and Rick just goes, "It's not ok." Rick is upset about it too. We have to figure out a way to show them how much we love them.
Matt apparently told Kim that she should read these tour reports. I suppose if they read these, then they'll understand. Other than that there is just nothing I can do about this except lose sleep. Which I'm doing quite well.
The Great Stupa (a stupa is like a temple) in Colorado
So I'll write about something that should be comforting me now. We went to see The Great Stupa, northwest of Boulder, CO today, it's a huge 108-foot Buddhist building/temple sort of thing. It's something amazing to see - Rick and I were in Tibet last year and visited many of these, but we have never seen one in the US. This one was just consecrated last year around this time, and I've wanted to see it and now, crazily enough, our tour takes us right past it! So we stopped and went in. Matt, Rick and I walked up a 20-minute path through a Buddhist compound to go oogle this thing, then we circumvented it a couple of times, and I went in and looked at the huge Buddha statue for a while, then walked around it again, looking at all the stuff around it, and then went in and sat there for a while and tried to clear my mind.
Do you worship a statue?
Rick was so cute; he came into the little sitting area with me and sat down on a chair and pointed to a cushion, motioning for me to go sit and meditate there. I felt very, very weird there. I'm still unsure of what I'm doing sometimes, I guess, especially in front of people who don't really understand what's going on. I'm not going to sit here in front of Rick, even though I know he supports me. And anyway, sitting in front of a huge golden Buddha statue doesn't really do a lot for the part of my mind that repeats, "Ahem, hey, Rose, it looks like you're sitting and worshipping an idol right now." I don't believe in worshipping anything outside myself - any higher power, that is. From what I understand from all my reading and lessons, bowing or sitting in front of one of these guys is just to remind me of what I could become. Anyone can become a Buddha, you just have to follow some rules that involve not hurting yourself and not hurting others. But it really seems a bit weird to me still, until I realize that most churches have a big crucified Jesus sitting over the front door. Christians don't worship that, do they?
I like Buddhism because it's all about training and exploring your mind. I like to train and explore my mind.
How to observe your mind
So after a while I decided what the hell, I'll go in there and see what it's like to try to meditate in this place. Last year in a temple in Thailand, I sat down in front of a Buddha statue that looked like a big pastel frosted cake, and my entire mind went blank and I felt very, very peaceful and I didn't want to get up. I just stared happily into space, looking around, seeing nothing, no problems, just a very pleasant state. I didn't want to move. That's when I thought that maybe I should look into this Buddhist thing. I'm going to put my tour reports up from our Tibet trip later this month. I'm sorry I haven't posted them yet.
Anyway, here in Colorado, I went inside this stupa and sat down on a cushion, and Rick and Matt were outside so I didn't worry about them. I sat down and did a bow and closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind. Since my mind wasn't going to clear, it was like a storm, I just sat and observed the different storm cells, here's one about going home, here's one about how I haven't eaten yet today, here's a big one about how weird it is that Matt and Rick are sitting outside waiting for me. Each storm cell (thought) that pops up, after I acknowledge it, usually can dissipate; I can go, 'well, so I'm hungry', or 'well, nothing bad is going to happen just because Matt and Rick are sitting outside waiting for me, they love me and care about me and it's nice they're here looking at this too.' And, 'well, I'm going home and there's nothing I can do about it. I'll tour again too. big fucking deal.'
check out the guitar pick someone left as an offering, lower right.
How to not be attached
What I'm actually supposed to be doing when I meditate and these thoughts come up is something like this: (thought arising): "I'm hungry" - then I should think, "oh look, a thought." and then (in certain types of meditation) I can label the thought "pleasant," "unpleasant", or "neither pleasant nor unpleasant." Then the thought is supposed to dissipate because I know that all things that I perceive are either "pleasant," "unpleasant," or "neither pleasant nor unpleasant." And it's the attachment, the greed, that I have to feelings, either I want very much to be not hungry, or I want very much for the Breeders to like me, these wants, or attachments (greed) will cause me pain. Are you with me so far? That's Buddhism, I think. If you want to know more, search for it on the web. I'm a beginner. (And not the right kind of beginner, either.)
Goal of the Day
Ok, so here's my goal tomorrow. I don't want to be afraid to talk to The Breeders tomorrow. I actually got to talk to Kelley when I saw she ran into a convenient store across the street from the bus - I was in there too, getting a snack salad - and I got to spend a little time with her and talk to her about junk food. That was fun. I wish I could just spend a day with those two. I wish we had more time on this tour.
So my next goal tomorrow is maybe I can teach Kelley how to do a cool trick with one of my wooden broadswords I have with me. She says she likes Buffy The Vampire Slayer, so maybe she would like to learn some Kung-fu from me. Maybe Kim would too. There's my idea of a party.
How the FUCK am I going to go home after this. I'll bet the rest of the band is thinking the same thing, because some of us seem a little out of control tonight.
We met two new friends at the Stupa - these two girls who were just travelling around the country, seeing where the wind would take them next. I told them we're in a band and invited them to the show and put them on the guest list - and they came! That is just so cool and intense - they're out for another month! It's like they're on a huge adventure!
I STILL CAN'T SLEEP!!!!
It's like 5am and we have to leave at 9am and I really fucking have to go to bed now. I have to make myself stop worrying about this.
I want the Breeders to know how much we love them. Thought. (Greed.) All of this is going to end sometime anyway. Why crave?
Jane, I miss you.
July 17th, 2002 - Our last (?) Breeders Show, Omaha NE
pictured: Jim (our guitarist), Jose (Breeders drums), Me, Matt (our drummer), Kim Deal, Wolf (Breeders stage manager) and Richard (Breeders guitarist)
Ok, well, as you might have guessed, we have overcome our fears!
Now, Kevin, the manager of The Breeders, is going to see if we can get on their Texas shows! Oh, I hope so!
Kim and Kelley:
I'll write more later...